feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
