he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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