There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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