I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
