she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
