I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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