i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
