so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
