i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
