No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
