Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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