My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
