he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
