I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
