Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
