When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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