Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
