I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
