My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.