i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
