I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My ATM looks so different sober.
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead