i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
