So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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