I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
