what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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