I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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