my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
