yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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