Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
