Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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