haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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