evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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