All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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