Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
