I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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