my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
