So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
