Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.