So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring