so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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