it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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