you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
