Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
