Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
