and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
