That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
