totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
