How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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