in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
