Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
