She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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