nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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