so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
