When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
