What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
