Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
FUCK WHALES
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