Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
