Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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