I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
