i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
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I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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