I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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