Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
