Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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