when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
