My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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