Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
