she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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