My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
