I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
